My life’s best described as a roller coaster.. a roller coaster run by some hung-over, sleep deprived mad man. I have gone from being the “Fat Girl” (we’re talking 5’9 and 190 pounds in fifth grade) to fashion designer.. from teen runaway to entrepreneur.. from struggling as a single mother to suddenly finding my soul mate.. from the northeast to the west coast.. from the west coast to the south.. and to starting my life over, yet again. As a widow and well, let’s just say a few years north of 50, here I am once more as the “Fat Girl”. No, wait! I’m the Single, Over Forty, Fat Girl! This is a match made no-where in the vicinity of heaven.I was so blessed to have been married to Johnny Carson’s sidekick on the Tonight Show and television icon Ed McMahon for almost twenty years. Ed loved me for me; for the woman I was at the very moment we met. Not for who I could be if I would only stop eating, start exercising and lose thirty pounds. Not if I was prettier, smarter, a better wife, mother, step-mother, daughter, sister or friend.. he accepted me, adored me, but more importantly, Ed was proud of me. Even if the only thing that fit were a pair of XXL elastic banded sweats pants and one of his “Humungo” Tonight Show t-shirts. I never had anyone love me that way before.. through thick and thin (literally!). He was my knight in shining armor. The problem was that I never learned to love myself.
It was June 22nd 2009, when Ed passed …and I truly felt my life was over. The intensity of my grief and sadness quickly turned into physical pain. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.. I tried to numb the heartache and fill the emptiness the same way I always had in the past; with food. So.. I ate. I ate and I ate and I ate ..and I’ve been eating ever since. Until this morning when I opened my closet to get dressed and could no longer pretend that almost every item of clothing in my closet had a rare shrinking defect.
It has been four years since Ed went to Heaven and I’ve eaten every refined carb I could get my hands on from Los Angeles to Kentucky. Yes, you heard right! Kentucky! My father was in the coal business in northeast Kentucky and I decided to take a break from life in Hollywood and get back to my roots in Lexington. Shocking, I know! I still can’t believe it myself. It is a beautiful, calm, relaxed place to ‘find’ yourself ..but Kentucky is the home of Crisco, sugar, bacon and the refined carbohydrate, making it a dicey place to call home if your drug of choice is food (as it is and has always been mine).
To Eat Carbs or Not To Eat Carbs. It’s the first question I ask myself every morning. Throughout my turbulent childhood, food was my security blanket. It was always there for me providing comfort and distraction from life’s quandaries. However, as I grew up the difference between life’s quandaries and reality became blurred. I was attached to food in the same way that Charlie Brown’s Linus was attached to his blue blanket. Food was the fabric of my life and I have carried it into my adulthood. Which to be perfectly blunt really, really sucks.
At the ripe old age of nine, I embarked on my first diet. Now, you might think this a bit extreme, but with a family who considered 190 lbs to be the perfect weight for a 5th grader, I had no other choice but to get creative. And then.. there it was.. like an angelic vision glowing from inside my closet; the blue velveteen puffed-sleeved dress. Now, the sleeves on this thing fit so tightly it’d cut off circulation to my arms but the dress was equipped with a very special feature – great, big pockets. And these pockets were my secret weapon. I had it all figured out.. When no one was looking, I’d sneak food from my plate into those pockets. It was a very smooth operation that had to be approached with great care. I did this for several weeks successfully cutting all of my portions in half. This is an invaluable approach when you’re eating half of something reasonable. However! When it’s fried meatloaf plopped on a sea of Nana’s mashed potato’s followed by a chocolate frosted Duncan Hines cake that you’re eating only half of.. you just don’t get the desired results!
This was the beginning of my forty-year battle with weight and dieting. As I grew into adulthood my food issues grew right along with me. The only difference was I took what I was willing to do in order to lose weight up a notch! Aka my 30 years of Extreme Dieting. It’s time to let go of this dream that my magic diet ship will come in and save me. Get over it, Pam! It just doesn’t exist! All of these extreme diets are an illusion that can bring a false sense of security, but they are just as temporary as they are tempting. The fact that I’ve been on every diet known to man and weigh 180 pounds is proof of that.
Now, what am I going to do about it?! I have two choices: 1. continue eating myself into oblivion and feeling sorry for myself, “Oh! Poor me.. I just can’t help it!” The minute I see a donut my body is overtaken by aliens and before I know it I have eaten six warm Krispy Kreme’s (I think we know how that movie plays out) or 2. once and for all take control of my life and no longer let my fears and excuses overshadow the beauty of embarking on an exciting challenge that has the potential to reward every aspect of my life. It’s time I throw caution to the wind and ‘go for broke’! ..Oh, I forgot.. I am broke!! Let’s change that to, ‘go for our old jean size’ ..without spanks!!
Weigh Down South Suga' 
